not so sparkly and shiny

Let me start by saying that I never intended to share my story with anyone, namely because I don’t find it particularly earth shattering or unique. I also have an intense desire to remain in the background in most situations, which is a little hard to do when you’re baring your soul to complete strangers. To give you some context, I have been known to cry if a group of people attempt to sing “Happy Birthday” to me, my mother had to specifically instruct guests at my bridal shower to NOT watch me open presents, and I’m pretty sure daggers will shoot out of my eyes if you take me to Benihana and force me to play a tambourine in celebration of anything. Needless to say, when it comes to expressing myself or enjoying life’s big moments, I definitely do not relish the spotlight; writing, on the other hand, allows me all the time in the world to say what I actually mean without the awkwardness and tears. 

Where to begin? This is tough, because I feel like there really isn’t a clear beginning. My life is constantly changing direction, pushing me forward one minute and nudging me back the next, all while I try to get my bearings. Given the disorganized nature of said life, I think the easiest way to start is to tell you where I am right now. So. Once upon a time, during a stifling Georgia summer, I sat on a couch next to a cute but growly shih tzu. Not painting a specific enough picture for you? Allow me to elaborate: we moved from the Midwest to the South last year after my husband was offered a position in a residency program. The shih tzu didn’t come into our world until after a really sad time, but I can’t imagine life without her now, unpredictable temperament notwithstanding. Still not specific enough? Here's a little background...

My husband and I have only been married for 4 years, so med school was a part of our lives from day one. All through school, I felt like residency was the carrot dangling on the end of the string, the point we had to make it to in order for things to be better, easier, etc. “Once we know where we’ll be living, we’ll feel settled. When we own a house, then it will feel like home. When you don’t have to study so much, it will be more fun!” And on and on I went, like a broken record, never really stopping to live our life as it was at the time. Sure, there were moments when I had inspiring-wall-arty thoughts like “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain! Every day is a gift!” but nothing stuck. (Side note: have you seen this? Love it, although I can guarantee it would not be hubby-approved.) Predictably, motivational home d├ęcor was not enough to give me a positive outlook on the Powerpoint presentations and books on drug interactions that dictated my husband’s schedule. Shocking, I know. More on med school later but suffice it to say, I thought residency would make us feel like we had MADE IT

To be fair, I honestly did feel like that for awhile. However, life with an intern is not always sparkles and unicorns, and I’m sure my husband would tell you that life with an intern’s wife is not always shiny and filled with puppies.

{Read between those lines: there is a distinct possibility that I have a tendency to get naggy, defensive, judgy and insecure.}

We had a lot of struggles and stressors during the first year of residency, more of which I’ll share with you later, all of which has led me to this point: talking to a bunch of strangers (no offense) about my problems (you're welcome). However, I hope that at least one of you will walk away with a sense of comfort or encouragement when you need it most. It's important for me to learn something while we're stuck on this residency roller coaster and although I haven't figured out exactly how it will end, I can still share what I've learned so far and let you see my struggle to keep learning. I’m sure there will be a range of reactions to my story, but I would love it if you feel as though you’re talking to a friend who totally gets where you’re coming from. Of course I won’t hold it against you if you feel as though said friend is hilarious and insightful, but I’ll take what I can get.

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